Step 16: Appreciate Your Special People

In honor of the holidays, here are a few reasons I am thankful for the people in my life.

My parents: without them I would be an orphan like Oliver Twist or Leela from Futurama and even though I would probably sing more songs as an orphan and be eligible for much more government money than I am now, I still enjoy having parents because I don't have to eat gruel or work in the coal mines. Dad, thank you for teaching me about the merits of video games and candy and Mom, thank you for teaching me about writing and reading even though it's not as fun as video games and candy.

Ellyn: you always point me in the moral direction; especially when it comes to leach torturing. As kids you taught me responsibility by playing the Abu to my Aladdin or the 7 Dwarves to my Snow White. I now know that would be a lot of work to care for a monkey or seven small men and this knowledge has stopped me from making some stupid decisions.

Mina: You are a bundle of energy which is good because I'm not. I love that you always stand up for what's right. Not a lot of teens do that.


Thank you for supporting me and putting up with those teenage years when I hated everything  and never did my math homework.  I'm a lot less angsty now but I still don't do math, so I guess everyone wins except Mr. Thiner who, despite is best efforts, never managed to teach me algebra.

xoxo Hannah

Step 15: Dream about the Future

Dear Internet,

As you may or may not know, I am graduating college this spring. That's right folks, I am going to be a grown up lady with a big girl job and everything. It's gonna be SWEEEEEEET!

There are a lot of things I am looking forward to in the next year (getting an apartment, buying a kitten without asking my mom and dad first, rolling in piles of my freshly earned money like Scrooge McDuck), but most of all I yearn for the simple pleasures of adult life.

I have a dream. That dream is to have a coffee table with coasters on it. Coasters are the most tranquil objects I can think of because water marks on furniture is the kind of thing that worries people who've run out of important things to worry about. Coasters are for new grads and retirees; carefree people who have nothing to worry about except unplanned pregnancies and death (respectively).

Alas, I still have a semester left before I reach this benchmark of adulthood, but the thought of my coasters keeps my motivation up. After all, if I don't get good grades, how will I get a good job to earn the money to pay for the rent for the apartment with the living room in which to put the table with the coasters on it. Wouldn't happen.

That's why the lesson today is to follow your dreams. Follow them all the way to your own coffee table with coasters on it.

xoxo Hannah

Step 14: Appreciate the Little Things- Part 1

I don't know much about the politics of Spanish Prime Minister José Luis Rodríguez Zapatero, but I can tell you one thing: the man has some amazing eyebrows. And believe me, he knows how to work 'em. I think we'd all to well to sit back, relax, and take a few moments to appreciate Zapatero's eyebrows in all their diplomatic glory.

xoxo Hannah

Step 13: Take a Step Back Sometimes. You Can't Fix Everything

Dear Internet, I am addicted to solving other people's problems. Disharmony in my social circle makes me jittery and because I'm kind of a control freak whenever someone I care about is less than happy I have to roll up my sleeves, get my big rubber fix-this-shit gloves on, and fix their shit.

And sometimes Internet, as I have recently realized, I am incapable of fixing said shit.

Even when I'm wearing my steel-toed repair-stuff boots and my waterproof and tear-resistant critical thinking smock. But.... *deep breath*.... that's OK.

Believe it or not, sometimes other people are capable of, and in fact need to, solve their own damn problems. There are also some problems out there that no amount of stressing over can solve. War, cancer, and potential Earth-asteroid collisions come to mind here.

So ladies and gentlemen your step for today is to accept that you shouldn't try to fix everything. Be a good friend/family member and support others through their hard times but don't make their problems your problems. If you need to take a step back, do so. No matter how hard you try, you can't force someone to be happy or to deal with something they don't want to deal with and you certainly can't will the glaciers not to melt. So give yourself a break ;)

xoxo Hannah

Step 12: Respect Nature

Yesterday I think I learned a little bit about karma. Specifically I learned that when you disrespect nature by littering a gum wrapper and then entertain yourself by injuring a bunch of ants and feed to Tyler's Venus fly trap, nature will find it appropriate to put this guy in your bed at 2AM.

His name is Sand Tiger Beetle and he lived in sand deposits along rivers. He also enjoyed the neck and back support of my Temurpedic mattress pad. I say enjoyed because he's dead now. He was squished by my roommate's sandals. Unfortunately being dead didn't stop his mangled corpse from magically appearing in MY sandals this morning. 

I think I've finally put Sand Tiger Beetle's murdered soul at rest by giving him a proper burial in the toilet, but I can only wait and pray that his reign of terror has finally ended.

So ladies and gents my tip for you today is this: pick up your gum wrappers and respect the ants or the ghost of Sand Tiger Beetle will come after you next.

xoxo Hannah

Step 11: Ask the Right Questions

Sorry for the lull in posts, but between preparing my sister for college and potty training another person's toddler, I fear my brain has become squishy and weak. I'm working on it. Anyway,

I firmly believe that one should never be afraid to be inquisitive, especially when it comes to something important such as a relationship. Asking the right questions helps you evaluate your special friend's qualifications and shows/makes it appear that you are interested in their life.

If you've been keeping tabs on my Facebook and cell phone records, you may know that I have a boyfriend and yes, we like-like each other. He constantly impresses me with his ability to answer even my most challenging of questions. Questions such as:

Q. If I were attacked by a bear right now, what would you do?


A. "Get in front of you and punch it in the nose... or are we supposed to play dead? We can Google it."

This is a satisfactory answer because it shows that he is honest enough to admit ignorance of proper bear attack procedure, is willing to learn more about the subject, and would bravely sacrifice his own safety to protect me from a rampaging bear.

Q. If you could hang out with any Muppet, who would it be?

A. Kermit 

I chose Grover because he is a good salesman and a decent waiter. While I might have liked more elaboration, Kermit is by all accounts an awesome frog with a laid lack attitude and an analytical mind. Had The Boy chosen Elmo or Miss Piggy, I may have reconsidered our relationship.

As you can see by this clip, Grover and Kermit have an undeniable comedic chemistry:

In conclusion, if you and someone special find yourselves sitting in a tree and you want to know if it's wise to be K-I-S-S-I-N-G, ambush them with a few strange questions. If they're worth your while you'll get some interesting answers. What's the strangest thing someone has asked you?

xoxo Hannah

Step 10: Look at the World Through the Eyes of a Child

This summer I've been working as a nanny for a 2 and 5 year old (Franny & Milo). Despite usually leaving work exhausted and covered with hand prints of various substances, I am also constantly amazed by the creativity and optimism of a child's world view. Here are a few nannying-inspired lessons I think we could all benefit from:

1. Set your goals high- No, I will not buy you Culver's ice cream and a kitten for taking a nap, but bless your little heart for thinking I'd agree to that "compromise."

2. Know what and who is most important- Today Milo, while completely disregarding all my good advice, shimmied under his deck looking for toads. After becoming stuck he implored me, "Hannah, if I die here can you tell my toads I love them... and tell my parents that Milo's under the deck and he doesn't need any help."

3. Laugh as much as you can- Especially when your babysitter tells hilarious jokes like
"poop" and "Don't put that in your mouth!"

4. Show enthusiasm- If I ask if you want to go to the park, I expect you to shriek with excitement and follow me around yelling "Park! Park! Park! Park! Park!" for at least 3 minutes. Anything less and we're not going.

5. Always be prepared- Do we really need 3 pairs of sunglasses, a broken camera, a notepad, crayons, a stuffed kitty, batteries, Hello Kitty stickers, a book about turtles, and dental floss for a trip to the aforementioned park? Probably not... but how can we know for sure?

XOXO Hannah

Step 9: Get some Exercise

Now let me start this off by professing my extreme aversion to exercise: I hate it. It isn't the physical activity in itself that I find unbearable; it is the sweat. Since childhood I've been under the impression that sweat is your body's natural way of saying "Something is wrong-take a shower immediately." It is hard to get a good exercise routine going when one is constantly jumping in and out of the shower, so I tend to avoid it all together. In fact, exercise is so foreign to me that at first, I couldn't even spell the word correctly for this post. Excersize, exersize, excersise, exercize, exercyse, exercyze... it was hard. I Googled it.

Why am I advising you to partake in such an activity? There are my reasons:

1. I was wrong about sweat. As slimy and unpleasant as it is, it turns out that it completely natural and all healthy people do it. It is not, as I thought, "skin urine".

2. Physical activity causes your body to release endorphins which make you happy and energetic.

3. Regular exercise may cause positive side effects such as: a hot ass, muffin top-ectomy, a marked decrease in thunder thigh circumference, Michelle Obama arms*, and the ability to lift things.

If you are anything like me, you find gym equipment is confusing and terrifying. Fear not! There are other ways to release those endorphins. I enjoy swimming because I don't have to sweat. Rollerblading and ice skating can also be fun, providing one has decent balance and/or a sense of humor about oneself. I'd also recommend rock climbing at a gym because not only are you improving your upper body strength, you are also learning a skill that may help you someday should you ever find yourself needing to escape a pack of wolves or a cursed Incan temple.

XOXO Hannah

* Should you find yourself developing Madonna-arms discontinue exercise immediately and eat a cookie.

Step 8: Think Up Creative Activities for Those Gloomy Weather Days

I don't know about you dear reader, but I hate rainy, snowy, gloomy weather. I've always considered inclement weather to be nature's personal invitation to brood and worse, it makes my hair frizzy and unmanageable. Alas, we will always have stormy days but with a little bit of creative thinking a true superlady doesn't have to spend her rainy afternoons eating ramen and watching reruns of Law and Order or gazing wistfully out a window like this Sad Sally.

Here is my list of possible rainy day activities:

1) Sneaking into the dorm attic- I have lived in Katherine Thomas Hall for three years and I have yet to see what lies behind the little black door in the janitor's closet ceiling. Is it a feral child? A ghost or two? Rich desserts? Asbestos? All we can really say for sure is that between the hours of 10 and 11PM something walks around up there and one rainy day we (Jamie and I) are going to catch it. Our first step will be to remove the pad lock on the door. We will then ascend the ladder wearing our ghost proof mittens and sweatshirts in case it's cold up there. We will bring flash lights, a butterfly net, and some jars to keep any ghosts or other neat things we find. It will be like this:

2) Papermache- This is a fun and cheap activity that anyone can do. All it requires is some glue, water, newspaper/textbook pages and a little ingenuity. First, put papermache on something; it could be your roommate's pens, makeup bag, or dvd case, it doesn't matter. Be creative! Next wait for it to dry, hang it from the ceiling and hit it with a stick. Bam. Homemade piñata.

3) Learn to knit- I hate knitting, but I do it every winter for about a week after somehow deluding myself into thinking that after hours of monotonous hand motions I'll be able to create something other than a few inches of itchy fabric. However, it can still be a useful skill. For example, if my car broke down on a freezing stretch of highway I could knit a scarf to conserve heat- providing I had a couple balls of yarn, some chopsticks, and about 6 hours head start.

This is my list, but you can make your own.

XOXO Hannah

Step 7: Smile More

Sorry it’s been so many days since my last post; the wifi in my house hasn’t been working well despite my attempts to sweet talk it into a stable connection. Oh, well.

Anyway, the 7th step on the journey to kick-assery is to smile more. I could explain that 9 out of 10 very important scientists agree that smiling releases chemicals in your brain that trick it into thinking it’s happy, but that would require research and fact citing and as I explained earlier, my internet isn’t working well. I could tell you that it takes more muscles to frown than to smile but I have hope that my readers not old or sickly enough to make decisions based upon the number of muscles it takes to do things.

My reason for smiling is this: it makes you look happy and friendly and sometimes if you smile people give you free things. My German ancestry has given me what I consider a naturally stern face. Here I am with a neutral expression:

This can be helpful when one when one doesn’t want to be bothered by those people who hand out religious tracts on campus, but in situations when I want to project positivity and nonviolence, I try to smile.

Smiling can also lead to material perks. For example, during the school year I work in the career development office on campus, and I can’t tell you how many free mugs,
t-shirts, letter openers, and reusable tote bags I have accumulated thanks to a non-threatening facial expression.

It is important to note that there are occasions in which smiling too broadly or at all may be inappropriate. Examples of these might be:

1. After hitting a pedestrian or family pet with your car
2. While escaping a burning building
3.After hearing of an acquaintance's death or illness
4. While performing or receiving a pap smear

If at anytime your face begins to cramp or twitch uncomfortably you have overdone it and should abort the smile immediately.

XOXO Hannah

Step 6: Go Outside, Dammit!

My dorm is a lot like a military bunker. It's dark, indestructible, and probably a little bit haunted. In fact, sometimes when I'm stressed out or it's cold and snowy I like to wrap myself up in blankets and pretend I'm hiding from the Germans.

However, as fun as that is, there is also something to be said for going outside from time to time.  It's hard to be very kick-ass in a bunker and vitamin D (that's the sun for those of you not in the know) is a great remedy for the blahs and also promotes bone growth for those of you who are into that sort of thing. There are all sorts of benefits to enjoying the great outdoors. This is my list:

1. There are people out there, real people, and some of them want to talk to you
2. Today I saw an albino squirrel and two bald eagles and I was like, "YEAH AMERICA!"
3. I'm such a pale beacon of light that if I stood on the banks of Lake Superior I could easily guide ships to harbor. The sun can fix that and the sun is outside

4. Now is the perfect time to show off all those cute spring outfits you've been hiding all winter
5. Taking a hike outdoors is a great way to relax and develop an amazing butt at the same time
6. The last time I was out I saw a LARPer* get hit in the face with a fake sword and oh how I laughed!

PS: these are LARPers (live action role-players):




So here's your homework: go outside, dammit! I don't care what you do out there; hell, is you want to LARP more power to ya. Just be careful with your damn sword and don't be offended when people stare at you because you are yelling spells and making lightening noises in the middle of a public park.

xoxo Hannah

Step 5: Watch something that makes you laugh

Featuring a live sex show from the green M&M!

XOXO Hannah

Step 4: Immerse Thyself in Fine Literature- or Bossypants by Tina Fey, Whatever

I was going to open my mind by reading some Tolstoy or Proust (or even some Dickens if I was feeling crazy), but then I remembered that I only like books that are interesting. So I bought this instead:

I have a massive lady-crush on Tina Fey. She's the bee's knees and the epitome of a kick-ass superlady. I don't have Tina Fey bed sheets or wear t-shirts with her face screen printed on them, but if she ever did a book signing in town I'd totally wait in line up to an hour and a half without even complaining.

Anyway, all I've read of the book so far is the first sentence which is, "My brother is eight years older than I am." Brilliant!

xoxo Hannah

E8SNANFUBAFN

Step 3: Make Lists

When I want to forget my troubles and de-stress, I like to make lists. About anything. Really. For example here's an excerpt of one I found from November of 2008 while cleaning a drawer:

1. Hand towels

 Pros- Exactly the right size for hands

Cons- Sometimes I mistake them for regular towels and am gravely disappointed post shower

Useful information? Debatable, but I can't remember what was bugging me the day I wrote it so it served its purpose. You can make rational lists too. Here is one I made about things I can do during that annoying 3 hour period after class when everyone is busy and I'm not:

1. Sleep

2. Eat Sandwich

3. Take bad-ass pictures of self for personal "Bad-Ass Pictures of Myself" scrapbook

4. Make my mom an English-to-texting dictionary

5. Hide all of The Roommate's white tank tops

6. Stick multicolored Post-It labels all over the things in my room so I don't forget what things are called

7. Ponder the crucial difference between puppets and Muppets

8. Call people I haven't talked to in a long long time

9. Talk to my fish

10. Practice smiling for pictures

That kept me busy for awhile and I didn't even have time to worry about irrational things because that wasn't an activity on the list and one has to follow the list. That is the cardinal rule of list-making. 

xoxo Hannah

Step 2: Make the Best of Awkward Situations- Drunk Hooker Edition

I'm minding my own business when a fat, drunk former hooker carrying a rocking chair asks me if I'm pregnant. By the way, I'm not saying she was a hooker to be insulting; I'm saying she was a hooker because she came out of a restaurant that was holding a fundraiser for ex-hookers, so I made an inference.

Anyway, I could have dealt with this awkward situation in a variety of ways. I could have broke down crying or yelled out some sort of witty retort like "Well Fatty McSkankbreath, I'm not pregnant but YOU must be having triplets because you're so fucking FAT you massive redwood of a whore!" but because I was shocked and not seeking to get my ass handed to me by that woman and her rocking chair, I opted to reply with a polite, "Ummm hope not?" to which she replied,



"You so skinny girl, why you be wearin' a maternity dress fool?"

And you know what? I had indeed been unknowingly wearing a (cute) maternity dress. So I returned that bitch and got a sexy non-preggo dress that has pockets. So to review:

Awkward Situation x Keeping it Cool = Sexy New Dress + Vague Compliment

Hannah xoxo

Step 1: Pick a Background for the Blog

After minutes of careful deliberation I went with the cute little bird outlines. I felt they captured the fragile essence of my femininity and also, all of the flower backgrounds looked like vaginas to me. So it was birds or vagina flowers and the birds won out.

I mean seriously?

Anyway, here's the deal: I'm Hannah and due to a recent life change I am now infused with a whole lot of "you go girl-itude" and I want to take you all with me.

So. Ladies (and gents), how would you like to go from this:

To this:

Me too. I am going to do my best to learn the ways of kick-ass superladydom and share them with you step by step. I can't promise giant presents or pet squirrels but I can promise you that if you stop by the dollar store the crown and blue ribbon can be a reality.

My first step to being a Kick-Ass Superlady is to express myself. I have no desire to write angsty poetry, interpretive dance away my insecurities, or craft a paper mâché treasure chest to house my fears, so this is my blog. Enjoy.

Hannah XOXO