I'm minding my own business when a fat, drunk former hooker carrying a rocking chair asks me if I'm pregnant. By the way, I'm not saying she was a hooker to be insulting; I'm saying she was a hooker because she came out of a restaurant that was holding a fundraiser for ex-hookers, so I made an inference.
Anyway, I could have dealt with this awkward situation in a variety of ways. I could have broke down crying or yelled out some sort of witty retort like "Well Fatty McSkankbreath, I'm not pregnant but YOU must be having triplets because you're so fucking FAT you massive redwood of a whore!" but because I was shocked and not seeking to get my ass handed to me by that woman and her rocking chair, I opted to reply with a polite, "Ummm hope not?" to which she replied,
"You so skinny girl, why you be wearin' a maternity dress fool?"
And you know what? I had indeed been unknowingly wearing a (cute) maternity dress. So I returned that bitch and got a sexy non-preggo dress that has pockets. So to review:
Awkward Situation x Keeping it Cool = Sexy New Dress + Vague Compliment
Hannah xoxo
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