Step 9: Get some Exercise

Now let me start this off by professing my extreme aversion to exercise: I hate it. It isn't the physical activity in itself that I find unbearable; it is the sweat. Since childhood I've been under the impression that sweat is your body's natural way of saying "Something is wrong-take a shower immediately." It is hard to get a good exercise routine going when one is constantly jumping in and out of the shower, so I tend to avoid it all together. In fact, exercise is so foreign to me that at first, I couldn't even spell the word correctly for this post. Excersize, exersize, excersise, exercize, exercyse, exercyze... it was hard. I Googled it.

Why am I advising you to partake in such an activity? There are my reasons:

1. I was wrong about sweat. As slimy and unpleasant as it is, it turns out that it completely natural and all healthy people do it. It is not, as I thought, "skin urine".

2. Physical activity causes your body to release endorphins which make you happy and energetic.

3. Regular exercise may cause positive side effects such as: a hot ass, muffin top-ectomy, a marked decrease in thunder thigh circumference, Michelle Obama arms*, and the ability to lift things.

If you are anything like me, you find gym equipment is confusing and terrifying. Fear not! There are other ways to release those endorphins. I enjoy swimming because I don't have to sweat. Rollerblading and ice skating can also be fun, providing one has decent balance and/or a sense of humor about oneself. I'd also recommend rock climbing at a gym because not only are you improving your upper body strength, you are also learning a skill that may help you someday should you ever find yourself needing to escape a pack of wolves or a cursed Incan temple.

XOXO Hannah

* Should you find yourself developing Madonna-arms discontinue exercise immediately and eat a cookie.

Step 8: Think Up Creative Activities for Those Gloomy Weather Days

I don't know about you dear reader, but I hate rainy, snowy, gloomy weather. I've always considered inclement weather to be nature's personal invitation to brood and worse, it makes my hair frizzy and unmanageable. Alas, we will always have stormy days but with a little bit of creative thinking a true superlady doesn't have to spend her rainy afternoons eating ramen and watching reruns of Law and Order or gazing wistfully out a window like this Sad Sally.

Here is my list of possible rainy day activities:

1) Sneaking into the dorm attic- I have lived in Katherine Thomas Hall for three years and I have yet to see what lies behind the little black door in the janitor's closet ceiling. Is it a feral child? A ghost or two? Rich desserts? Asbestos? All we can really say for sure is that between the hours of 10 and 11PM something walks around up there and one rainy day we (Jamie and I) are going to catch it. Our first step will be to remove the pad lock on the door. We will then ascend the ladder wearing our ghost proof mittens and sweatshirts in case it's cold up there. We will bring flash lights, a butterfly net, and some jars to keep any ghosts or other neat things we find. It will be like this:

2) Papermache- This is a fun and cheap activity that anyone can do. All it requires is some glue, water, newspaper/textbook pages and a little ingenuity. First, put papermache on something; it could be your roommate's pens, makeup bag, or dvd case, it doesn't matter. Be creative! Next wait for it to dry, hang it from the ceiling and hit it with a stick. Bam. Homemade piñata.

3) Learn to knit- I hate knitting, but I do it every winter for about a week after somehow deluding myself into thinking that after hours of monotonous hand motions I'll be able to create something other than a few inches of itchy fabric. However, it can still be a useful skill. For example, if my car broke down on a freezing stretch of highway I could knit a scarf to conserve heat- providing I had a couple balls of yarn, some chopsticks, and about 6 hours head start.

This is my list, but you can make your own.

XOXO Hannah

Step 7: Smile More

Sorry it’s been so many days since my last post; the wifi in my house hasn’t been working well despite my attempts to sweet talk it into a stable connection. Oh, well.

Anyway, the 7th step on the journey to kick-assery is to smile more. I could explain that 9 out of 10 very important scientists agree that smiling releases chemicals in your brain that trick it into thinking it’s happy, but that would require research and fact citing and as I explained earlier, my internet isn’t working well. I could tell you that it takes more muscles to frown than to smile but I have hope that my readers not old or sickly enough to make decisions based upon the number of muscles it takes to do things.

My reason for smiling is this: it makes you look happy and friendly and sometimes if you smile people give you free things. My German ancestry has given me what I consider a naturally stern face. Here I am with a neutral expression:

This can be helpful when one when one doesn’t want to be bothered by those people who hand out religious tracts on campus, but in situations when I want to project positivity and nonviolence, I try to smile.

Smiling can also lead to material perks. For example, during the school year I work in the career development office on campus, and I can’t tell you how many free mugs,
t-shirts, letter openers, and reusable tote bags I have accumulated thanks to a non-threatening facial expression.

It is important to note that there are occasions in which smiling too broadly or at all may be inappropriate. Examples of these might be:

1. After hitting a pedestrian or family pet with your car
2. While escaping a burning building
3.After hearing of an acquaintance's death or illness
4. While performing or receiving a pap smear

If at anytime your face begins to cramp or twitch uncomfortably you have overdone it and should abort the smile immediately.

XOXO Hannah

Step 6: Go Outside, Dammit!

My dorm is a lot like a military bunker. It's dark, indestructible, and probably a little bit haunted. In fact, sometimes when I'm stressed out or it's cold and snowy I like to wrap myself up in blankets and pretend I'm hiding from the Germans.

However, as fun as that is, there is also something to be said for going outside from time to time.  It's hard to be very kick-ass in a bunker and vitamin D (that's the sun for those of you not in the know) is a great remedy for the blahs and also promotes bone growth for those of you who are into that sort of thing. There are all sorts of benefits to enjoying the great outdoors. This is my list:

1. There are people out there, real people, and some of them want to talk to you
2. Today I saw an albino squirrel and two bald eagles and I was like, "YEAH AMERICA!"
3. I'm such a pale beacon of light that if I stood on the banks of Lake Superior I could easily guide ships to harbor. The sun can fix that and the sun is outside

4. Now is the perfect time to show off all those cute spring outfits you've been hiding all winter
5. Taking a hike outdoors is a great way to relax and develop an amazing butt at the same time
6. The last time I was out I saw a LARPer* get hit in the face with a fake sword and oh how I laughed!

PS: these are LARPers (live action role-players):




So here's your homework: go outside, dammit! I don't care what you do out there; hell, is you want to LARP more power to ya. Just be careful with your damn sword and don't be offended when people stare at you because you are yelling spells and making lightening noises in the middle of a public park.

xoxo Hannah

Step 5: Watch something that makes you laugh

Featuring a live sex show from the green M&M!

XOXO Hannah

Step 4: Immerse Thyself in Fine Literature- or Bossypants by Tina Fey, Whatever

I was going to open my mind by reading some Tolstoy or Proust (or even some Dickens if I was feeling crazy), but then I remembered that I only like books that are interesting. So I bought this instead:

I have a massive lady-crush on Tina Fey. She's the bee's knees and the epitome of a kick-ass superlady. I don't have Tina Fey bed sheets or wear t-shirts with her face screen printed on them, but if she ever did a book signing in town I'd totally wait in line up to an hour and a half without even complaining.

Anyway, all I've read of the book so far is the first sentence which is, "My brother is eight years older than I am." Brilliant!

xoxo Hannah

E8SNANFUBAFN

Step 3: Make Lists

When I want to forget my troubles and de-stress, I like to make lists. About anything. Really. For example here's an excerpt of one I found from November of 2008 while cleaning a drawer:

1. Hand towels

 Pros- Exactly the right size for hands

Cons- Sometimes I mistake them for regular towels and am gravely disappointed post shower

Useful information? Debatable, but I can't remember what was bugging me the day I wrote it so it served its purpose. You can make rational lists too. Here is one I made about things I can do during that annoying 3 hour period after class when everyone is busy and I'm not:

1. Sleep

2. Eat Sandwich

3. Take bad-ass pictures of self for personal "Bad-Ass Pictures of Myself" scrapbook

4. Make my mom an English-to-texting dictionary

5. Hide all of The Roommate's white tank tops

6. Stick multicolored Post-It labels all over the things in my room so I don't forget what things are called

7. Ponder the crucial difference between puppets and Muppets

8. Call people I haven't talked to in a long long time

9. Talk to my fish

10. Practice smiling for pictures

That kept me busy for awhile and I didn't even have time to worry about irrational things because that wasn't an activity on the list and one has to follow the list. That is the cardinal rule of list-making. 

xoxo Hannah